Of House Elves and Moldy Shorts
by Aoi Shinkaze
Summary: Why didn't Harry utilize the full potential of certain untapped resources? OoTP compliant. Smart!Harry One-shot. Mildly cracky.


Why Aren't House Elves Used To Kill Moldyshorts?

Really now, this idea popped into my head as I went to the bathroom. Now one of my mom's friends keeps going on and on about how starting with a trip to the bathroom is a good start for a story, but I'm still not buying it. Anyways, I went to the bathroom, and this glorious idea pops up. Sure, there are dozens of stories where Harry splits off of Dumbledore's influence and decides that he will make his own army, and thusly utilizes the DA in a most exceptional way. _Used as his own army_. I _never_ saw _that _one coming. But I digress. And we have read stories upon stories about the usefulness of house elves (or we haven't, maybe the dear reader is new to fanfiction), but hey, at this rate I'll probably go and give away the plot. Enjoy!

Oh, and btw, there are _no_ Horcruxes in this story.

[Number 4, Privet Drive, Smallest Bedroom]

As Harry sat contemplating his fate, he thought of all his dear friends, and which ones he thought would stand beside him. There was no doubt that half of the school would turn on him, and so he was slowly whittling through the names of his friends, seeing who would help him. Hermione and Ron, definitely. The majority of Gryffindor would most likely support him as well.

But then, a thought struck his head like a lightning bolt! He thought, who would follow my every command? Dobby of course! So, like the awesome boss he is (not), Harry summoned Dobby.

"Dobby!"

And with a terrific crack, Dobby appeared. "Is master Harry Potter sir calling for Dobby?"

"Yes Dobby. Now, can you summon anyone, anything, anywhere, through any wards?"

"Of course master Harry Potter sir, Dobby is a house elf sir, and house elves are not affected by the horrible wards surrounding most places master Harry Potter sir, so we can do nearly everything master Harry Potter sir."

"Excellent! Now Dobby, I'd appreciate it if you could summon Gryffindor's sword for me please."

"Of course master Harry Potter sir! Dobby knows that master Harry Potter sir is the greatest wizard alive!" So saying, Dobby summoned Gryffindor's blade with a snap of his fingers, and a rather loud crack of displaced air.

"Splendid! Now Dobby," here, a spectacular idea came to Harry, "now, summon Bellatrix Lestrange for me please, and summon her right here in the middle of the room."

"Dobby always knew that master Harry Potter sir was a great and kind wizard! Now Dobby has even more respect for master Harry Potter sir since Dobby is asked to summon one of the evil, nasty, crazy, and overall disgusting witches that serve Moldyshorts1!"

"…. Moldyshorts?"

"Yes master Harry Potter sir! That is what the elves of Hogwarts be calling the big bad evil wizard!"

"I think that just made my day Dobby."

"Dobby is happy to help master Harry Potter sir!"

"Okay Dobby, summon her." While commanding Dobby, he slowly moved into a stance not unlike a baseball player, only, he had a sword, and he was going to use the sharp edge, not the flat of the blade. And as luck would have it, Moldyshorts had gathered his Death Munchers2 and was having a meeting.

[Meeting at Riddle Manor: (or what's left of it)]

"So my loyal Death Eaters, tonight, we will strike fear and terror into the hearts of our enemies. We will make them afraid to step outside of their very houses, and we will make them fear the long shadows that keep things hidden." So sayeth Lord Voldemort. At this all of the Death Eaters bowed and repeated in murmuring voices how much of a genius their lord was. At that very moment, Bellatrix disappeared with an almighty crack.

[Harry's Room]

The instant Bellatrix appeared, neck conveniently at sword edge height, Harry swung with all his might, which while not being rather great, was still sufficient to slice Bella's head from her shoulders in one swing. It was, after all, an enchanted blade.

"Now Dobby, in quick order, her husband and his brother, Avery, Malfoy senior, Crabbe and Goyle senior, Mulciber, and Nott senior!"

"At once master Harry Potter sir!"

"And get rid of their bodies, blood and heads in sets of three!"

"Of course master Harry Potter sir!"

And in quick succession, The Lestrange brothers were killed, and subsequently teleported away to Voldemort's feet. In a towering, apoplectic rage, he could do nothing as key and not so key members of his force were teleported away and beheaded, and returned of course, blood and all. Nine people were taken, and three sets were returned, all graciously deposited at the feet of the Great Moldyshorts.

And, so, after completing this rather gruesome task, Harry told Dobby to teleport the sword behind Moldyshorts, and fling it into his back, reasoning that not even Voldemort could survive a lethal wound from a magical sword.

And kill Moldyshorts it did, for although the wound could have been healed, the basilisk venom covering the blade could not be counter acted, and the once great Moldyshorts died.

FIN

[Mildly compulsory note at end of story]

1. If you have not yet figured it out, Moldyshorts is Voldemort.

2. Death Eaters = Death Munchers

Hmm, Voldy is dead, and the rest of the Munchies (refer to number 2) are too disorganized to kill anything noteworthy.

Oh, and this is after Sirius's death. Poor Harry. Power the Dark Lord knows not = House Elves. He did underestimate them in the 7th book too.


End file.
